Ten Dumbassidies

Dumbassidies - noun. (dumb-ass-id-eez). 1.A statement so stupid it leads one to question the intelligence of the person who created it. 2. A statement that cannot be forgotten and forever lives in memory because of the pure idiotic nature of it's content.

In the past couple years, I've slogged away easily for $9.00 an hour at a hole in the wall family-owned 'sk8' shop on weekends. I've not been a fan of their business practices or my bosses in general, but a paycheck is a paycheck and I lived with the guilt of circumventing my morals in order to make a meager living watching skate videos and listening to kids talk about their ollies. Better than getting shoved on the concrete in a grimy downtown apartment complex in the middle of the night with a gun in the small of my back and one in my ear cavity. Which was one of my esteemed experiences as a delivery driver for Dominos after getting laid off from said 'sk8' shop with no notice early last year.

Unfortunately for me I was asked to work weekends again after one of their employees quit because of the bullshit, and now I've again fallen victim to notice-less, cold, selfish business practices in which the owners don't give a FUCK as long as nothing bad is happening to them. So basically, I'm on a bit of a spree on denouncing shitty profiteering business practices which take advantage of skateboarding, all for the well-being of someone who has no damn clue about or care for skateboarding itself. So, for the beginning of my little 'series' which will continue through local newspaper editorials and letters to certain companies whose product is being misrepresented and/or completely stolen/copied, I decided a list of ten of the stupidest things I've heard at this place would be somewhat entertaining.

1/ "Lizard King sucks. Name one contest he has EVER won. Just one. You can't, because he hasn't."

- This one takes the cake. Perfect example of the atmosphere there. All about the win, all about the who's the best, the contest, the jock side of skating. I literally almost shit my pants when I heard this. It's like the hundred or so skate videos I played there never happened.

2/ "Ryan Sheckler has the best tre flips ever."

- does this include that mirrored one that was claimed to be switch?

3/ "Who's Stefan Janoski?"

- They even mispronounced his name

4/ "People are gonna think that being sponsored is cool so they'll buy servings of this drink for $2.75 a spoonful."

- Can't remember the brand name. But this one's from the boss. Some stupid energy powder that you add water to and drink, and they 'sponsored' boss-bitch's kid. No one ever bought any, of course.

5/ "*name removed* signed this deck, kid's are gonna buy it because they want his autograph."

- news flash. nobody wants to pay $40 for some kids signature ruining a deck. The board sat there for 8 months.

6/ "No surface will ever be perfect except skate lite, and that's just too expensive."

- Uh, actually, no surface is perfect at all. Skate lite breaks too. BUT if you build shit right, and invest in top quality from the get-go, you won't have chipped up plywood ramps covered in paint that you have to replace every six months. Talk about expensive.

7/ "there isn't one good trick in that Alien Workshop video."

- self-explanatory.

8/ "Those kids win every contest we have so they're not allowed to participate anymore."

- seriously? excluding shredders from contests. GREAT marketing strategy.

9/ "It's my shop so I'll sell whatever I please."

- after gripes about putting prices on stickers and promo DVDs that come with decks and also specifically say "NOT FOR INDIVIDUAL SALE." Criminal.

10/ "oh... well just get a sharpie and black out the scratches. You're a smart boy. Shoulda thought of that."

- This one definitely requires context. If you care at all, you're probably thinking 'what the fuck?'. The vice president of marketing for Hoffman Beverages, the local Budweiser/Anheuser-Busch distributer/producer, comes to the shop around Christmas to buy his nephews presents, because of all things on earth, the shop promotes and is a dealer for Monster energy, aka alcohol for kids. So the man rolls by with a couple of AWS(Dyrdek of course)/Monster collaboration decks made in limited numbers. He wants the boards gripped and to pick out trucks wheels bearings blah blah. So all is done as he says, and after another employee grips one of the big-man's boards, I discover that since nobody will agree to change out the crumb and grime riddled carpet on top of the work counter, the mostly dark green and black graphic is scraped all to shit from the gripping process. And instead of figuring out how to make it right, that's my boss' solution. Get a fucking sharpie. and color in the scrapes. Great customer service to one of your few supporters.


So anyways, expect a full-on rant about profiteering douches in local industries very, very soon. Meanwhile I'll probably be preoccupied talking shit about them across the limits of the South eastern corners of Virginia in newspapers and across facebook until they've lost all credibility they have outside of the skate world, since the skate world correctly coins them a joke already.

Good thing I used the hell out of that place after hours for dudes to come skate for free and chill.

And I'll toss in a cool little video as a reward for reading that:



Albert Nyberg, co-founder of Newsoul Skateboards and fresh out of Sweden. Quite a capable bastard in my opinion. Or anyone with a brain, for that matter. Even despite the shorts and the crazy socks and elmo shirt. Let me pause for a quick chuckle.

Anyways I like that he can toss in strange maneuvers like that flyout casper flip looking deal and proper frontside bigspin kickflips along with monster flatland fakie varial flips in lines with backside bigspin 5-0s on ledges. Plus the fakie frontside flip late shuv, and then all the stuff at the end when he's throwing down some tall rail nosegrinds and hucking fakie flips down 11-stairs.

and who can forget double set fakie hardflips and front 360 no comply bigflips with a nice little fakie manny bigspin at the end? Plus everything is done so well. Note the double flip/double heel line. The fakie fs flip down nine (or eight, if you don't count that last stair). The fakie tailslide hardflip. The front blunt back 3 bigspin.

And lets not forget the two ending clips. The sickest clip I've yet to see at Macba, and a ten stair 360 hardflip. Quality part. Great mix of tech, geek, and uh, tech-gnar? is that what people used to call Jordan Hoffart? Tech-gnar? Anyways, dude skates with speed and style and dresses crazy but the song fits amazingly and every trick is solid. One of my favorite online videos at the moment. Watched it about 10 times now.